It’s the Super Bowl, everybody. The most magical day of the year, when real football has its greatest celebration. Show your appreciation by doing like your heroes in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE do: drive under the influence, beat your spouse, ¬†and marginalize some gays. Or go all-out with the Ray Lewis Special, and arrange for your posse to stab some people to death. It’s the AMERICAN WAY.

But above all else, make sure you watch a bunch of innocuous television commercials so you can come up with ways to denounce them all as OMG RACIST.