Ice Cream Headache

Oh, Christ. Not these idiots again? Are you ladies REALLY this bored? Are you so starved for attention that you’re going to arrange a boycott of a freaking ice cream flavor?

Sometimes I just hate everyone. But then I realize that’s a waste of energy and narrow my focus to just these worthless busybodies and their pointless boycotts.

I find it very satisfying.

Full story HERE, if you feel like vomiting.

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52 thoughts on “Ice Cream Headache

  1. As a mother of 2 children I am SO going to buy this ice cream. Schweddy Balls! My kids will love not only the ice cream but they’ll even get the humor, because that’s how I’m raising them.

    • How about a flavor called “Annual Offender?” Chocolate would be mixed with vanilla. It would include a variety of nuts, rainbow sprinkles, and some vibrator shaped chocolate chunks.

    • My edit-

      Dear Mr. Greenwood:

      As a future mother and a person with a sense of humor, I am greatly delighted by Ben & Jerry’s decision to use hilarious references for your flavors of ice cream. Your decision is disrespectful to no one. If you continue to use such excellent taste and appropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to buy from your company.

      I am requesting that all of the Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed. Also, I highly recommend you keep on producing more batches with this name or different flavors with other hilarioius names. If you do so, I will be forced to purchase even more products from Ben & Jerry’s.

      Keep up the awesome work, you are a rock star.

  2. Why can’t we have something geared towards, oh I don’t know, thinking adults with a sense of humor? I love the line about annually offending customers. I really can’t wait for next year.

  3. Ooh! Ooh! If you click through to their site it quickly takes you to a page where you can edit a letter that goes directly to the PR person at Ben & Jerry’s! Thank you One Million Moms!

    Here’s my letter:

    Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    To me, the next best thing to being able to enjoy Alec Baldwin’s actual balls in an ice cream is to partake of the wonderful (I’m sure) Schweddy Balls flavor! Were it not for OneMillionMoms.com I would not have know that Schweddy Balls would soon be filling my mouth! I can hardly wait to taste your Schweddy Balls!

    Good times.

    – A Loyal Customer

    • Thanks for this. Done and done.

      I don’t watch Glee or anything, but they claim that they were able to persuade Hanes from dropping it as a client because it’s some kind of homo-submarine. Is it the 1980s?

      I’ve been lurking here for a while. I do enjoy a humorous photo, from time to time.

  4. I just finished my letter and had to sign up for their site before it would send the email. One of their other concerns is “adult aids” sold at pharmacy websites. I LOVE being able buy my vibrator along with my hair color and toothpaste. What is wrong with that?? And what kid is shopping drugstore.com?

  5. Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum loaded with fudge covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls… TASTELESS? I can’t wait to get my mouth around those balls!

  6. Their website is AMAZING:
    “Shouldn’t we thank a network for airing “good” shows like ABC’s Home Makeover?
    In very rare instances, OneMillionMoms recognizes shows that are free from sex, violence, and profanity. However, we must take into account the “dirty” shows that are promoted during commercial breaks, along with the overall tone of the network. Unfortunately, the networks, as a whole, are consistantly offensive to family viewing.”

  7. The Ben & Jerry’s website also has a section under “Contact Us” that lets you send in suggestions for future ice cream flavors.

    I sent in a suggestion that poked fun at the nutjobs. It’s nutty, it’s white, and it hides a fruity center!
    Ohhhh I’m so irreverent!

    But seriously. Start sending in suggestions. >:D

  8. Saw this story yesterday. Not surprised at all. OMM is an AFA affiliate, and AFA’s spokesman is the biggest anti-gay zealot next to Fred Phelps.

    Christian supremacists like these want to socially turn the clock back 3 or 4 decades and duct-tape it there, while drowning out the voices of Christians who know how to live in the present.

    • If you go to their FAQ one of the first bits of info uses the word “ministry” to describe them. That word made my balls get very cold schweddy. Wait, I don’t have balls…..but if I did, yeeeikes. Ministry = reason has left the building and replaced by scripture…

  9. My letter – just sent it.

    Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    As the child of a mother and a mocker of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly amused by Ben & Jerry’s decision to use silly names for your flavors of ice cream. Your decision is your business and has nothing to do with me personally, much less my family. If you continue to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to buy more from you.

    I am requesting that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed unless I get a free pint. Also, I highly recommend you refrain from producing another batch with this name because I’d like to see a different offensive name. Way to go Ben & Jerry’s.

    I look forward to hearing from you regarding my free ice cream.

    • Dear Mr. Greenwood:

      I’m not a mother or a member of OneMillionMoms.com, but they left their letter form open!

      I am not remotely offended by Ben & Jerry’s decision to use hilarious names for your flavors of ice cream. Their letter says “Your decision is disrespectful to me personally, and to my family” but I find that laughable. I understand some people may find it tasteless but they have the option of, oh I don’t know, not buying the product.

      I am requesting that additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed! I don’t think the limited run will come to my area. Also, I highly recommend you produce another batch with this name and many other “offensive” names, then I can continue to buy delicious ice cream and more motherly gears can be ground. More!

      I look forward to hearing from you regarding my lack of concern but you should be focusing on ice cream.

      Thanks :)

  10. I signed up at OneMillionMoms just so they would get a copy of my letter.

    “Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    As a future mom and a huge fan of your ice creams, I am excited to try your latest flavour. Your decision to make bank off of one of the funniest 5 minutes of television was a wise one, and I can’t wait to dig in with my chubby hubby. If you continue down this righteous path of awesome (and if you continue to piss off the OneMillionMoms) I will make a conscious effort to buy more of your wonderful treats.

    I humbly request that you make as much Schweddy Balls flavor as you see fit, and distribute it directly to my apartment. I also highly recommend you send samples from the fabulous ladies at OneMillionMoms.com because they clearly don’t know what they’re missing.

    No need to contact me, just keep making those sweet, frozen pints of godly wonder.”

  11. In honor of OneMillionMoms, I have also sent Ben & Jerry’s a suggestion via the OMM website for the next flavor:

    One Million MILFs.

    Anyone care to come up with the components? I will gladly send that in as well.

  12. I sent that blasted Mr. Greenwood an email using OneMillionMoms.com’s nifty form letter found at http://www.onemillionmoms.com/TakeAction.asp?id=422. I tweaked it a bit, though…

    Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    As a mocker of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly offended by their decision to send you nasty grams about your delicious Schweddy Balls. Their decision is disrespectful to me personally, and to my family. If they continue to use such poor taste and inappropriate…….blah blah blah, I will make a conscious effort to continue mocking them.

    I am requesting that an infinite supply of Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed. Also, I highly recommend you keep producing another batch with this name and any other offensive names so that I may be able to continue purchasing products from Ben & Jerry’s.

    I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

    I can’t wait for the reply…

  13. Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    As a happily child-free woman and someone who thinks the members of OneMillionMoms.com need to realize there are actually real problems in the world that they aren’t doing squat about, I am greatly amused by Ben & Jerry’s decision to use entertaining names for your flavors of ice cream.

    Your decision is irrelevant to me personally, and to my family….well, I’m not bored enough to tell them about it, because they really wouldn’t care. If you continue to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I may make a conscious effort to forgive you for supporting a cop killer and buy from you rather than other companies every so often.

    I am requesting that additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed, in an effort to show these idiots that the world will not, in fact, self-destruct because of a suggestive ice cream flavor. Also, I highly recommend you producing another batch with other “offensive names,” or I will no longer be able to purchase products from Ben & Jerry’s. Goatsee The Movies, Take Me at The Ball Game, and Cherry Pie all sound tasty.

    I have no need to hear from you regarding my complete and utter lack of concern.

  14. Okay, this one isn’t an edit of their letter, but I wanted to get all my thoughts in there…

    Dear Mr. Greenwood:

    I was delighted to discover that your latest flavor is a hilarious reference to a classic SNL skit. The description of this awesome new flavor sounds absolutely delicious, and I am eagerly awaiting its release so I can partake of its sweet nectar. In fact, I would be delighted if this limited-batch flavor could become a more permanent fixture in your line-up of heavenly treats.

    I have heard that there is some controversy surrounding this new ambrosia, but I urge you to ignore it. Anyone who cannot appreciate such an amusing reference to a classic comedy sketch needs to pull the stick out of their ass and possibly get laid.

    Finally, I’d like to express my appreciation for your continued social efforts, especially your commitment to using Fair Trade ingredients. It is often very difficult to find Fair Trade products, so it is comforting to know there is at least one company I can count on in that regard.

    Thanks again for all you do!

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